Chores, memories, and more

Today was a day spent in rare form, pajamas, tea, fire in stove, and tackling chores.  Today consisted of going through files to get tax information collected, filling out insurance information on the computer, and filling out paperwork to get Liam into the system for continued support.
Going through 2016's receipts, appointments, and bills brought a flood of memories and sadness.  Going through my schedule for appointments with clients and finding eraser marks through what seemed to be random dates until I remembered.  I remembered January 5th getting the call that Mom wasn't doing so well, canceling appointments with clients so I could be with her and Dad at the hospital as they discussed hospice care options.  Mom dying on the 12th, January 16th Mom's memorial, and then trying to come back to the office and clients January 20th.  I can't fathom what was going through my head, if anything.


I think I was trying to fool myself into thinking that life was moving on in February, that I could handle the adventure of being Liam's mom, be a massage therapist, and a wife.  I also know that I made the decision to give my 60 day notice at the office, thank goodness for intuition, after entering all the yearly data, the office rent was more than I made the first 3 months of the year.  Then March 11th, a note about meeting with the Heart Surgeon for Liam's surgery.  March 19, the office was cleaned and ready to be turned over to a new tenant.  My career as a massage therapist radically changed.

And the year continued, bills were still being paid from Liam's birth in 2015.  Though, I did not have a choice how Liam was to enter the world, the hospital and insurance company did not deem Liam's birth an emergency so we got a full medical bill.  Thank goodness for our families, most of all the medical bills were taken care of so we didn't have to carry the full burden of Liam's birth, heart surgery, and other procedures.  Some clients here and there willing to be flexible with my time, willing to have me come to their homes to do the massages.  Doctor's appointments here in Prescott and down in Phoenix running every 3-4 months.
Sometime in October, I lost the part of me that ran the checks and balances of running a practice.  I had to hunt to find when deposits were made and for what amounts.  In the 14 years of having a business, I always had records of what I spent, where, when, etc at my fingertips.  This year, I had to hunt a little deeper, spend a little more time on the computer in bank statements, seeming to add salt to the wound of 2016.  Thank goodness for Sean, he took Liam duty so my attention could be spent on this tedious task!
When Liam was born we were told to check into Social Security Supplemental Insurance for Liam.  Since he received the diagnosis of Trisomy 21, there were programs to help with his needs.  He had already been signed up for a NICU program to see a nurse in our home, an Early Intervention Program, but this seemed to be something that could help in other ways.  So with our 2 week old son, we went down to SSA, sat in the waiting area for what felt like an eternity, finally got to meet with someone, and were denied because we made too much money.  We walked out with a weird sense of defeat that we couldn't get Liam what we thought he might need and yet relief that we were doing okay financially as a family, we didn't need the assistance.  We let SSA and SSI go to the side and figured with our insurance we could take care of Liam's needs.  Recently there has been a new influx of inquire of why we didn't have more governmental support for Liam, so I thought I would check in about getting him more.
We spent once more what seemed to be an eternity at DES to find out we were denied because of what our family makes, and again, we walked out with the mix of defeat and relief.  This time there is a little more defeat for me, Liam needs more support than what is given by the EIP and our insurance as a family is in flux.  The Department of Developmental Disabilities has a program that Liam may qualify for so I have just sent that paperwork in today.  Filling out the paperwork brought a wave of grief.  The grief is in knowing that at 17 months, Liam 'should' be walking, feeding himself, talking more, and he isn't.  He isn't able to take care of himself like a 17 month old 'should'.  I do know he is perfectly Liam, standing at the couch with a grin from ear to ear, crawling and singing as we chase him, climbing the stairs with a sense of purpose, babbling sweet nothings to us then squeezing his cheeks up, and teasing us with those precious moments he puts food in his mouth and that morsel travels down to his stomach instead of being immediately spit out.  I savor knowing that I get to cuddle my 'baby' and take him to work with me because he isn't running around and into everything, though he is getting into a lot more!

I have been taught that grief is layered and at each layer there is a new space that requires a visit.  I am learning to lean into the grief rather than run from it.  I have learned that grief is part of loving, and that the more one allows one self to grieve, the greater they can love.  The feeling of grief still feels overwhelming and yet, as I write this in my pajamas, I have hope that love will continue to unfold and reach deeper realms.