A rough day...

This weekend has been a little rough for Liam and me.  Sean had the opportunity to attend a workshop to further his training so he has been gone since Thursday.  I have always been so grateful for the amazing father he is to Liam and when he is gone our little family feels his absence!  Liam woke up yesterday at 5am and was ready to play, that isn't so bad, but the 10:30pm feed the night before left me a little groggy.  This morning he woke up later which was nice but not having Sean has left us both a little edgy.
We started working with another feeding therapist, this therapist won't take no for an answer.  Well, Liam has changed his eating habits, now he almost seems to be acting out when he is in the highchair.  Before he would take some food in, sometimes spit some out, sometimes swallow, sometimes refuse, but for the most part he seemed to enjoy being in his chair.  This weekend has been a different story, he cried when I put him in his chair, he is spitting more out than swallowing, he is refusing more and I am tired so we are just not having a good mix.

I am so grateful a friend let me know that as a parent I would be critiqued and to make sure not to take the criticism personal, the lesson of the week!  Liam's eating has become a tender spot.  Are we doing enough, are we doing everything right, what are we missing, how can we support him more?  Again, thank goodness for friends who remind us, me, that what we are doing is perfect, he is his own person and will eat when he is ready, we are supporting him in more ways than we even know!
As I wrote in a recent post, our lives have become normalized and so I forget that some of what we are going through is not typical.  We have a child who has a whole other band he is dancing to.  He is developing in a way that has delays in areas and acceleration in others.  He is cruising the furniture, bear crawling, starting to communicate with sign language, knows what we ask of him, interacts with most every person he makes eye contact with.  But he doesn't eat a meal like another 17 month old, he is still crawling when his younger peers are walking, he wears size 12 month instead of 18 month.  Of course all of these are comparisons and I hold in my heart that each of us have a unique way of showing up in the world so what others do is obsolete.  As a parent, sometimes I doubt, and today I am grateful for the permission to just let that come and go.  I imagine most parents have a moment here and there (maybe when they are exhausted) when doubt creeps in and a heaviness tries to settle.

I am also so grateful that here is this little being who came into the world under high stress, 'low-tone', poked, prodded, helicoptered, hooked to machines, burned 3/4 of his intake calories just to stay alive, had a heart surgery, and has people manipulate his mouth, his limbs, and push his comfort zone just to smile at the people who make contact.  He spreads joy wherever he is, I am not aloud to arrive places when he isn't with me, his love is so pure, and he has an eagerness to explore his Grandma Chris would just adore!  I have met parent's who have children who will never speak, walk, or engage  and find so much to be grateful for in their children.  I guess that is the gift of parenthood, meeting our children where they are, making a safe environment for them to thrive, and push them just enough to expand their comfort zones.  The uncomfortable part for me is how my comfort zone continues to be expanded reaching further and further into the unknown.  Some days, like this weekend, I wish I could just rest for a moment and regroup.  Thank goodness I can tap into the eternal strength, rest gently, and receive support from meditation, friends, family, and Mama Nature.  Well, and sleep, that is what I will seek the most tonight.