Celebrating Spring...

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon

Spring has always been a magical time in my life.  Up on the ski slopes, the snow would start to get a crust that wasn't found any other time in the year, the mix of snow and tree buds always intrigued me.  The field we grew up living in would thaw and become a huge mud flat for us to stomp around in, creating mud pies, and anything else mud.  The sun always seemed to surprise me, I would inevitably think I was late for school at 7am.  There was an urgency for life, school was ending soon, the heat of the summer would be knocking on the door soon, the last runs of the season were being savored, some years with a 2 foot path of snow to the lift so we could catch just a couple more runs.  


My grandfather, Glenn passed away in the spring.  He was the first person, outside of my parents to teach me about love.  One night, I awoke and couldn't sleep, I noticed a light on in the house so went to investigate, Grandpa couldn't sleep either.  He made us toast with his homegrown, homemade, raspberry jam, my mouth still waters for his jam!  He would dance with me for what seemed like hours around the house.  He would read to my brother and me as we were going to sleep, and play all sorts of funny little games children make up.  In his presence I always felt loved, and I always felt as if he was so proud of me, and not just me, all of his grandchildren.  I gained courage from his love to love myself, to explore the world with an open heart and to love kindly.


Somewhere in my youth I lost the courage to love myself.  Earning other peoples' love and acceptance became more important.  Fear became the driving force and even though I was moving through life, going through the motions of seeking a passion, participating in thrilling activities to gain excitement, changing with every crowd so that I could gain acceptance, I was numb.  I knew what was happening wasn't 'normal' and yet I couldn't seem to stop.  I don't know how long this cycle ran, I can only imagine at least a decade.  

On March 17, 2007, I was finally given a moment to pause, reset and let my heart thaw.  There was a realization that with all the need to earn acceptance and love, I had no idea who I was and I was scared to find out my truth!  Over the last 10 years there have been shoulders to cry on, chances to explore what being alive really means, chances to have an intimate relationship with my Creator, chances to open back up to passion, excitement, acceptance, and room top practice loving myself again.  I have gained courage to explore the world with an open heart and to love kindly through the love of some amazing people!

More reasons to celebrate in this spring include Liam's half birthday on March 14, 'Pi Day' and on March 21 we get to celebrate World Down Syndrome Day, a day to celebrate the extra chromosome 21 (3; 21).  There are so many ways to celebrate this day, silly socks, crazy hats, donating to an organization, doing random acts of kindness, and mostly loving the people who have been blessed with an extra gift!  We are deciding what is in store for 3/21 this year, what we do know is that silly socks and hats were a blast at a recent gathering, and random acts of kindness are always fun.

The other season that has always been magical is fall.  In the fall there is this excitement from school days of beginning classes again.  Who would the teacher be?  Who would the friends be?  What would transpire this year?  The fall of 2009, I met Sean.  The night we met, I felt like a bumbling fool, and could only be fully me in all my glory and imperfections!  It took another month and a half for me to have another chance with him, I needed more time and practice in loving myself.  Since that night he has been the reason I thrive to love.  I know I can't meet his love if I don't love myself.  His love runs so deep sometimes I get frightened and shut back down, just to open back up and love again.  Our relationship has taught me about the fearlessness of love, the shear excitement of being alive, and reminds me that with love, the world is healing and is a better place.  I joked with friends before Liam was born that he was the product of our overflowing love...now I believe that even more!  How could we be so lucky to be the parents to this little being who loves most everyone!?  Who's heart is so freely open to so many that in grocery stores people recognize him before us?  

When Liam was first born love was put to the test, could we remain open-hearted and full of love.  There were moments that fear won, thankfully they were just moments!  Could we be gentle with our own imperfections and fears?  Remembering those days what I get is an overflowing of love.  

Every decision we made was from what we imagined to be a supple space of love.  Today, getting to witness Liam explore his world, the people he loves, the people who love him, and knowing that by our love for ourselves and for each other, his world is a better place.  

Chores, memories, and more

Today was a day spent in rare form, pajamas, tea, fire in stove, and tackling chores.  Today consisted of going through files to get tax information collected, filling out insurance information on the computer, and filling out paperwork to get Liam into the system for continued support.
Going through 2016's receipts, appointments, and bills brought a flood of memories and sadness.  Going through my schedule for appointments with clients and finding eraser marks through what seemed to be random dates until I remembered.  I remembered January 5th getting the call that Mom wasn't doing so well, canceling appointments with clients so I could be with her and Dad at the hospital as they discussed hospice care options.  Mom dying on the 12th, January 16th Mom's memorial, and then trying to come back to the office and clients January 20th.  I can't fathom what was going through my head, if anything.


I think I was trying to fool myself into thinking that life was moving on in February, that I could handle the adventure of being Liam's mom, be a massage therapist, and a wife.  I also know that I made the decision to give my 60 day notice at the office, thank goodness for intuition, after entering all the yearly data, the office rent was more than I made the first 3 months of the year.  Then March 11th, a note about meeting with the Heart Surgeon for Liam's surgery.  March 19, the office was cleaned and ready to be turned over to a new tenant.  My career as a massage therapist radically changed.

And the year continued, bills were still being paid from Liam's birth in 2015.  Though, I did not have a choice how Liam was to enter the world, the hospital and insurance company did not deem Liam's birth an emergency so we got a full medical bill.  Thank goodness for our families, most of all the medical bills were taken care of so we didn't have to carry the full burden of Liam's birth, heart surgery, and other procedures.  Some clients here and there willing to be flexible with my time, willing to have me come to their homes to do the massages.  Doctor's appointments here in Prescott and down in Phoenix running every 3-4 months.
Sometime in October, I lost the part of me that ran the checks and balances of running a practice.  I had to hunt to find when deposits were made and for what amounts.  In the 14 years of having a business, I always had records of what I spent, where, when, etc at my fingertips.  This year, I had to hunt a little deeper, spend a little more time on the computer in bank statements, seeming to add salt to the wound of 2016.  Thank goodness for Sean, he took Liam duty so my attention could be spent on this tedious task!
When Liam was born we were told to check into Social Security Supplemental Insurance for Liam.  Since he received the diagnosis of Trisomy 21, there were programs to help with his needs.  He had already been signed up for a NICU program to see a nurse in our home, an Early Intervention Program, but this seemed to be something that could help in other ways.  So with our 2 week old son, we went down to SSA, sat in the waiting area for what felt like an eternity, finally got to meet with someone, and were denied because we made too much money.  We walked out with a weird sense of defeat that we couldn't get Liam what we thought he might need and yet relief that we were doing okay financially as a family, we didn't need the assistance.  We let SSA and SSI go to the side and figured with our insurance we could take care of Liam's needs.  Recently there has been a new influx of inquire of why we didn't have more governmental support for Liam, so I thought I would check in about getting him more.
We spent once more what seemed to be an eternity at DES to find out we were denied because of what our family makes, and again, we walked out with the mix of defeat and relief.  This time there is a little more defeat for me, Liam needs more support than what is given by the EIP and our insurance as a family is in flux.  The Department of Developmental Disabilities has a program that Liam may qualify for so I have just sent that paperwork in today.  Filling out the paperwork brought a wave of grief.  The grief is in knowing that at 17 months, Liam 'should' be walking, feeding himself, talking more, and he isn't.  He isn't able to take care of himself like a 17 month old 'should'.  I do know he is perfectly Liam, standing at the couch with a grin from ear to ear, crawling and singing as we chase him, climbing the stairs with a sense of purpose, babbling sweet nothings to us then squeezing his cheeks up, and teasing us with those precious moments he puts food in his mouth and that morsel travels down to his stomach instead of being immediately spit out.  I savor knowing that I get to cuddle my 'baby' and take him to work with me because he isn't running around and into everything, though he is getting into a lot more!

I have been taught that grief is layered and at each layer there is a new space that requires a visit.  I am learning to lean into the grief rather than run from it.  I have learned that grief is part of loving, and that the more one allows one self to grieve, the greater they can love.  The feeling of grief still feels overwhelming and yet, as I write this in my pajamas, I have hope that love will continue to unfold and reach deeper realms.

Family!

There is no way I could forget family!!  Part of having this extraordinary life is that we are blessed from every direction friends AND family!  I feel lucky that I have family members I can call friends, I know that some people aren't able to do that.  Liam has been blessed with 3 cousins, 3 uncles, 2 aunts,  8 great-aunts, 7 great-uncles, 4 grandparents, 3 great-grandparents, plus all the cousins somehow 'removed'.  That is a lot of love for our little guy!

When we were gearing up for Liam's heart surgery, we knew that we might be in over our heads financially, even with insurance.  We reached out to our family and the circle of family grew exponentially, there were family members contacting us who we never met before or if we had, we were too little to remember.  There has been a sense of deepening with our family circle and Liam's surgery was taken care of.
We have been able to rest in family member's homes while they loved on Liam, family has set us up for lengthy visits, fed us, sent Liam gifts and cards, and most of all they have been the rock we can rest on when we are weary.  I imagine some of our family member's not realizing that just by sending texts, notes, or calling have eased our hearts.

Of course the absence of my mom is still so sharply felt I have a hard time thinking of family and not thinking about her.  I think that is why I was didn't share first about family, I needed a warm up.  I needed a moment to recognize all the wonderful blessings we are grateful for.  Now I can share that same gratitude about family.  There are so many people who are still breathing, able to hug, able to call, and I thank each of you for who you are!!!
Today Liam and I got to spend some time with my Dad.  What a wonderful way to celebrate life, we shared a meal, walked, shared stories, and introduced Liam to the world.  We got to listen to music, check out kaleidoscopes, meet new people, and spend time with a very special friend.

I imagine these memories will fade like the sunset, I also believe that these memories are in our cells, and become part of our souls.  Maybe that is another reason I needed to write about friends first, family is in every fiber of my being and so I can't imagine a life without the family we have.  Well, now you know, as the reader, part of my soul make up, family and friends are musts!