Eating, Feeding, Nurturing... Oh my!

Getting Liam's body nurtured has been a challenge since birth, if not even before then.  When I went in at 35 weeks to have an ultrasound, the tech let me know he was about 5 pounds and was projected to be about 7 1/2 pounds, imagine my surprise when his weight was called out at birth, 5 lbs. 13 oz.  WHAT? Wait, what happened?
Then with him using up all his reserves and having the 'trauma' of his birth, he didn't have much energy to suckle and nurse.  The medical staff let us be for a moment and then they started shoving my nipple into his mouth as he whimpered and would pull back.  A nurse would grab my hand and push Liam's face deep into my breast, I wouldn't want to eat that way either!  The staff became concerned and wanted him to suck on a bottle, he would do the same thing, pull back and whimper.  So I am not surprised that this strong little being has decided eating isn't the most pleasant of activities!

When we got home we found a rhythm that worked for awhile, he would try to take in a certain amount of breast milk, then the rest would be formula and breast milk mixed in a bottle.  I was told how this wasn't the best idea, breast was best and I did try almost everything.  I couldn't find the right material to make a contraption to feed Liam with pumped milk through a tube taped to my breast.  Who knows, would that have helped?  One may never know.  I did pump until a month before Liam's first birthday, and I am proud if myself for persevering, proud of my body for pumping after not having Liam's stimulation for 6 months, and of my family for holding space for the process of 'feeding' Liam.
After Liam's first procedure he couldn't seem to latch on, he didn't have the energy anymore to even try like we had done months before.  We also found that he couldn't ingest more milk, he would tire quickly and so the doctors had us up the caloric level so that all he had to do was ingest 2 ounces at a time.  He was able to keep that up, and then the day came, he needed heart surgery, he was considered 'failure to survive'.

I had this fantasy when Liam woke up and took a few bottles that he would come back to nursing, to being able to take in the full amount he needed with out bulking up the formula to a higher calorie content.  He might even start eating soft foods.  But no, by the time we left the hospital he was refusing the bottle, he would eat only a little bit of soft foods, and he was giving the NG-tube, nasogastric tube, and we started the adventure of 'tube feeding'.  

I knew right away we needed support and so a speech therapist came to the house to help.  Her work with Liam was helpful, but he was still not interested in being fed orally.  I was informed that the tube down his throat could be irritating and maybe hindering his eating, I can only imagine the discomfort he endured.  I wasn't sure another surgery was the answer, so we all worked with Liam, coaxing him into taking a little bit of food, formula, water, something by mouth.  After 6 months, I realized things were getting worse and asked for an appointment with a surgeon.  In that time, I also was informed that a GI doctor could/should be helping us with this process and there was surprise that we didn't have a GI doctor so an appointment was made.  

Something that doesn't happen very often in our world, we had appointments back to back with the surgeon and GI doctor and we we needed to be in Phoenix all within 24 hours, what a treat to have only one trip and 3 goals met!  The doctors agreed that we needed to get the ng-tube out of Liam and for now a G-tube, gastrostomy tube, placement surgery was the best course of action.   On December 23rd we checked into the hospital and Liam went into surgery for the 3rd time since birth.  

He has a 'Mickey' button, and this seems to be working well.  We have more control of the balance between getting him hungry enough to eat but not so hungry he starts to withdrawal and get lethargic.  He still isn't sold on eating with his mouth BUT he is more interested and I imagine that has to do with his throat feeling better and his stomach not having something indigestible in it!  

With all of this feeding, eating, nurturing stuff, I have had the opportunity to challenge my own beliefs around food.  I have a feeling Liam may have picked up a trait from me, I would much rather have a tube and bag that fed me then trying to figure out what is best for my body and satisfying for my taste buds.  Food has never been a nurturing substance for me, I have eaten to stay alive, I haven't totally found the joy in eating.  When I was in Thailand I think I came the closest to really enjoying food.

So, now that I am working through my own nurturing 'baggage', my hope is that Liam can move beyond this limiting belief and find enjoyment, nurturing, health, and satisfaction in eating.  So far we are having progress and that is the best gift I can receive as a mother!