Angel Baby

For some reason I have been thinking about our 'first' child.  Sean and I found out I was pregnant on a cross country trip to New Jersey for a family wedding.  Sean started to notice changes in my body and I was 'late'.  We were in the Smoky Mountains on a hike when I told Sean I would wait a couple of days before taking a test but I might be pregnant.  We laughed, danced, jumped, and celebrated that we were adding a new being to our family.   We happened to be in Ohio near where my maternal grandparents are buried, so we stopped and hunted for the headstones.  I told my grandparents we were going to have a baby, interestingly enough in that moment there wasn't a burst of joy, there was something else, something I couldn't put my finger on, almost sadness.  I pushed the feeling and thought away and we bid our farewell.  Back in the car we shared our news with both sets of grandparents, woohoo, what a new word for us!!

When we got back to Prescott I called a midwife and set up an appointment to start prenatal care.  The pregnancy was still so early on, there wasn't a heartbeat to hear, just some care suggestions to follow and another appointment was made for a 2 weeks later.  At the 10 week appointment we were to hear a heartbeat and start to really bond... we didn't get to hear the heartbeat, the midwife thought she heard a heartbeat and thought that maybe the way my uterus was tipped we would just have to wait to hear at the next appointment.  My intuition started to kick in, something wasn't adding up, something was 'wrong',  I just couldn't get a clear answer, or the answer I wanted, to be pregnant.  A few days later there was blood, just a little bit, and again the desire to be pregnant was so strong I felt as if there was a great will pressing to stay pregnant.  That night two awareness washed over me, first, I could worry about this little one from that moment until the day one of us would die, or I could have faith that whatever was to happen to this child, the child had a ring of guardians guiding, loving, comforting, and holding their heart.  The second, my concept of prayer changed, at first I prayed that I could keep this child, 'please, let me stay pregnant and keep this child'.  The prayer changed to 'please, give me strength to walk through whatever was in store with grace'.  I think my greatest fear was that I would be too frightened to get pregnant again.  That by losing this child and having to go through contractions, I would lose all my courage to be a mom.  I also was worried that Sean would be devastated and we wouldn't know what to do as a couple.

The next day I was returned to normalcy, I was pregnant, I hadn't miscarried, I could go on being excited.  3 days later I started the process of miscarrying.  I was at a function with all women and I felt completely alone, I hadn't shared with very many people so I couldn't seem to share about our impending loss.  Calling the mid-wife, she suggested I get in to have an ultrasound with the doctor as soon as possible which was 3 days away.  Sean stayed by my side and made sure to keep me well fed and hydrated.  One thing that our life is proving to us is that our relationship has a foundation that keeps deepening.  I fall further and further in love with Sean and we seem to meet each other where we are and move forward to meet what ever challenge, opportunity, adventure that awaits us.

Late at night the experience got to be too much to handle, so I woke Sean up to take me to the hospital.  When we arrived I realized I had made a huge mistake, but there was too much fear, blood, and unknown for us to handle on our own.  I was admitted and we spent the next 5 hours in the ER negotiating what the doctors and nurses wanted for me and what I wanted.  There was an IV inserted for fluids and potential medicine, an ultrasound to make sure all was okay, a pelvic exam, and a shot to help with the bleeding.  I felt battered and bruised, and mostly heart broken.  A dream didn't get to come into reality.  The bruise from the IV seemed to linger just a little longer to remind me of that night so I couldn't whisk the experience under some rug and forget.
I wanted to be a mom from a young age, well actually a grandma, but I soon realized I had to be a mom before I could be a grandma.  I didn't realize how excited I was to have the potential of being a mom and journey the road of parenthood.  That night we realized that we were ecstatic about being parents, our lives were ripe with anticipation for another being to join our family!
Thank goodness for family, friends, and healing.  When I went into the doctor for the followup ultra sound his first words were, "Wait 3 bleeds and try again, you will make an amazing Mom".  What sweet, sweet words to have spoken!  The ice started to melt from my heart and I knew I wasn't broken.  Sean and I could be parents, we would be parents.  This little being's journey was just a little shorter than either of us expected.

I think having this experience helped Sean and I so much more with Liam.  Maybe that was our first little being's gift, to prepare us for the wild adventure we have had with Liam.  As some of the research has hypothesized, the first born paves the path, the second learns from the first so maybe we are all learning from this little being who didn't get to take a breath.  One thing we learned for sure, we knew we wanted a child and  almost exactly a year after the miscarriage, Liam was born into the world.  I don't think that is a coincidence.
People who watch Liam and I interact are intrigued that he is our only child, I guess there is a nervousness that follows a first time mother.  Sitting on the floor feeling so unsure of what was about to happen, and praying to be guided, a trust was formed that whatever happened with our babies, we would be given the strength to walk through with grace.  I am forever grateful for our 'first' baby and the gift that little angel gave us!  And who knows, maybe someday Liam will be a big brother, I am still wrapping my head around that thought.

Into the healing...

I joke with people that when I came to Prescott, I came to help the people of Prescott heal.  What has happened the last 13 years has been that Prescott has healed me.
The healing that has happened here for me has been on all the different realms, physical, emotional, and spiritual.  The healers and teachers I have met and the healing modalities learned have been life changing.  The land around Prescott is soothing to my soul.  The community has given space to surrender has helped me to return to an intimate relationship with the Sacred.  When we found out that Liam would need extra support I knew that we would be okay because of all the experiences of healing that have taken place here.
I have learned to be patient with healing, something that may have been earlier 'healed' may present again.  This presentation isn't because that condition isn't healed, there may be a deeper healing that needs to take place.  This last week, I had this experience.  I met a man who does healing work and during the intake he asked, 'Have you ever been knocked unconscious?'  I love intake forms, there is so much information that can be gathered from them, and I also know that conversation can unearth even more!  Inevitably a person will forget a monumental event while filling out the form BUT in a conversation there will be an, 'Oh yeah! This one time...'
So, Oh yeah!  This one time when I was 5 I was at a Zuni festival and a bunch of kids were playing up on the pueblo roof, as I watched, my feet moved backwards and I walked backwards off the roof!  All I remember from my boots slipping off the roof is being carried back to the pueblo by one of the family members, I must have been knocked unconscious when I landed, thankfully on packed sand.  I didn't have any broken bones (though no x-rays were taken), I could breathe, walk, no bumps.  I do remember being uncomfortable riding back to our home but not much after that,  I was 'fine'.  I completely forget to put this on intake forms because it wasn't a car accident, I don't have any lasting scars, and I have been 'fine' since.

One of the first Bowenwork classes I took was in a Mind Body Bowen class, this work is geared to unravel trauma in the body.  While receiving from a practice buddy, I had this sensation of an air vent blowing cold air on my back from my tailbone to my head.  That part of my body was freezing, my partner put a blanket on me and I was still cold so we knew what was happening was an inside job.  Once again, this memory of walking off the roof came flooding back.
During this most recent healing session, I wanted so badly to go into a healing trance and surrender my body to the work.  I wanted to have healing visions and energetic unwindings.  What I received was being in my body, unwinding this seized memory, bringing life back into muscles that have kept me upright by shear determination and rigidity, feeling the pain of being hurt all those years back, the fear that the world is unsafe.  I have been running on a thought from a 5 year old, 'I would never be fully safe unless I knew exactly where I was, where I was going, and who was around me.'  Finally I received the message I was safe and would be safe, I could relax into life.  As I write this, I am ready to brush this experience off, this isn't that exciting, and yet, this is the most profound unwinding I have participated in.  I feel as if that 5 year old Becky finally knows that the world is safe, she can relax, she can return to wholeness.
The experience of walking off the roof, having my body react the way it did, the process I have lived since then has all helped me to support others.  In sessions, clients are approached from this place of seeking safety, wanting them to feel safe, making sure they can relax into their bodies, relax into whatever healing work we are participating in.  I feel that I can embrace this lesson and let my body heal.  In these moments, I get excited, this is what I want to do when I grow up!  This is what I do as a grown up!
Adding Liam to the mix of all of this has been such a joy and challenge as well.  I love being able to play with him with all the healing modalities and know that he is receiving all this support.  What is so hard is that we have had to hand him over to surgeons 3 times now, we have put him in situations to feel pain.  Last night we were changing the gauze around his G-tube and the tape had stuck to his belly, so pulling the tape off made him cry.  How can we teach our child not to hurt people if we are hurting him on a regular basis!?!  I do have faith that we will be able to teach him, and maybe, just maybe this is part of his training for what he wants to do when he grows up, just like the need for safety was part of my training.