To Endings and To Beginnings, how interwoven life really is...

Happy New Year!  I am amazed that today is the 11th day of the year already!  Life has been busy and doesn't seem to be getting any less busy.

Liam had an Ear Tube placement surgery early in December.  Thankfully this surgery was quick, and we were able to come home the same evening.  This was the 3rd December we handed our baby over to the medical community for some type of surgical procedure. I was hoping handing him over would get easier, it didn't.  Phoenix Children's Hospital did another great job though, of supporting Liam, his laughter was heard down the halls as we walked him to the OR, because the nurse was racing his bed through the corridors.  His left ear wasn't getting clear results so next month we will go back to do another type of test and recheck hearing in that ear.  Amazing what happens when someone can hear!  He is now trying out names, he is starting to sing songs, and we can no longer sneak in and out of doors if there is a squeak in the door.  His charm has strengthened another level by verbally telling people, "Hi" and "Bye-bye."  The feeding therapy we would like for him to participate in is still on the table DDD, and finally to their superiors for review.  We figure we will continue to do what we have done and encourage Liam to eat as he is willing.

Baby Mc's estimated arrival date is next week and so our life has altered a bit in preparation.  Earlier this week I had some 'false labor', so we have been in a bit of an emotional roller coaster as well as getting in with doctors for second opinions, and one last ultra-sound to make sure all is good.  This little baby is not so little, and is perfect.  I had an emotional day yesterday, I noticed there was this hanging cloud of fear over my head.  The concerns from the false labor helped to remind me of all that didn't happen for Liam's birth and all that did happen.   Plus with the anniversary of Mom's death tomorrow, I have been feeling her physical absence and grieving the fact that this little one won't get to receive her hugs.  What came up was instead of losing a child, since that fear was already brought to the surface when Liam was born, I had to delve into the fear of my own mortality, I was afraid I would die in childbirth.  Thank goodness for all the support that surrounds our family.  The nagging fear of death could be brought to the surface with compassion, gentleness, humor, and clarity.  The reminder of how precious each day is and how nothing is permanent was a saving grace.  Today a sense of peace, of trust, of faith seems to have returned.  As a friend pointed out, maybe my labor is more emotional than physical.  And as Sean reminds me each day, we have chosen to live in a way that brings us closer to that which we deem sacred, so this is no wonder, the lessons present in this manner.

We may have a baby tomorrow, and if so, I can celebrate.  I am willing to celebrate the duality of life, for isn't death transformation and isn't birth transformation?  And we may not have a baby for another week, and that is okay too, well, I may start complaining if I have to wait too long.  This little baby isn't so little and Liam is onto the fact that he can out run me right now.  What a wild and wonderful journey!