Easter, Hope, and Living...

My family celebrated Easter, there were eggs to be dyed and found, baskets to be enjoyed, and being in church or out in nature.  As a family we attended multiple churches, all had their own feel, and community we are still in touch with today.  There was a church in Flagstaff we attended for a few years and to this day we still are in touch with the pastor's wife (20+ years later).  My parents and I would sing at the Episcopal/Lutheran church in Williams because the woman we took lessons with attended the church and this was a way to have a 'recital'.  There were many years that Easter meant a hike, skiing, or adventuring in some way out in nature.  In the last few years there was a pilgrimage to Phoenix to join my grandma and aunt in attending their church.  There was always excitement of hearing the music, hunting eggs (when we were younger) and enjoying friends and family.  I have to admit, my favorite Easter's are not in church.   My favorite Easters have been out in Nature.

I am so grateful for my parents and their deep faith, they would share what Easter meant to them, what having faith 'looked' like to them.  Mom shared with us that to her Easter meant that we could have hope.  There was this horrible chain of events and on Easter morning, hope was born.  I don't know that I felt the magnitude of her story until adulthood.  Only when I was weathering storms could I fully embrace the thought that there may be hope.  Dad shared with us that by being good neighbors, by treating people with dignity even if we didn't think they deserved it, helped us understand what Christ-like meant, we can't be the judge, we don't know what someone is going through or what pain they may be in.  These are the gifts that lead me through life, to have hope, to be kind, and to be curious!  The lesson that both Mom and Dad instilled in us happened when we were in nature.  They gifted us the idea that we are all One, the Earth, the plants, animals, water, sky, Sun, and neighbors, we are ALL ONE.  They taught us how to make moments sacred, to ask for permission to enter spaces, and to witness life happening all around.  I think that is why those nature Easters mean so much to me.  

There was no surprise that the urge to visit the Grand Canyon came up this weekend.  I have been nervous about packing Liam, with his feeding pump, tubes, health, etc., I have let there be excuse after excuse of why the time wasn't right to dip off the edge of the Canyon.  Well, now was the time!  We packed water, food, formula, the feeding pump, diapers, sunscreen, and off we went.  There was a loose goal in mind, Cedar Ridge, on the South Kaibab trail, 1 1/2 miles.  I type that and giggle, 1 1/2 miles, what!?!?  That is a walk in the park, anywhere else!  In the Canyon, that is 1 1/2 miles straight down and 1 1/2 miles straight up.  The seduction of the downhill is almost overpowering, thank goodness for the many years of hiking the trail, I knew not to get sucked in.

The hike out was okay, the temperature was rising, and Liam's weight was tiring.  By the last few switchbacks, I could tell, I was getting done.  Sean was so supportive, I think he knew how important getting to carry Liam in and out was to me, he let me set the pace and checked in.  At the last few switchbacks, he checked in and for some reason, I heard the request differently.  What I heard was more like a declaration, "Here, give Liam to me."  I obeyed, and thank goodness feeling 20+ pounds lighter I could finally breathe, I didn't realize how tired I was!  I always have to laugh, 1/2 hour after touching the rim coming out, I am restored and ready to go, this weekend was no different!  I have hope to make the next Canyon hike down to Indian Gardens. 

Liam is growing so fast and changing everyday!  Thursday he made his first free handed steps to the couch.  He is problem solving and finding ways to maneuver things...and people so he can get where he wants.  To blow off steam he makes a loop in the living room with a pink chair as his guide.  He is learning a new 'face', he got tired of winking, so now he has an exaggerated blink.  On the trail he kept one hand out so he could wave at all the hikers we passed.  I only knew he had fallen asleep because people stopped saying hello.  He is gaining more babble words, when Sean is home the two of them can go on for what seems likes hours!  With me, he is quieter, we think because he has had so many experiences of being with me in groups of people, he has associated me with quiet.  He is still attempting to eat, frozen food, milk, or juice are his favorite.  I can't wait until next year when Liam may be more interested dying eggs, finding them, and more aware of what is happening around him.  

I am caught off guard in the moments I miss my mom so much and her vacancy is felt so acutely.  I have a beautiful hand made vile with ashes of my mom, she came to the Canyon with us this weekend.  In the moments I miss her the most, there she is helping me to remember to turn to Hope. She was there nudging me up the trail with her grandson on my back.  I am sad she won't get to hike Liam in the Canyon, and yet I know, she will be there every time he goes in.   Just like she was there with me as I picked out 'healthy' chocolate for Sean for his Easter basket and will be there next year for Liam's basket.  She will be with us next year as I get ready to teach Liam how to dye eggs and remembering all the ways she decorated eggs, there were so many I will have a hard time choosing what is first!  She is here every time I need encouragement reminding me that Easter, and Christ are all about Hope.  Through the stories we share about her, she lives on, what a gift.

A first birthday of sorts...

Today is Liam's 1st anniversary of his heart surgery.  In a way another birthday since they did have to stop his heart for a few moments.   Writing that almost stops my own heart.  What a wild year the last year has been!  Liam ended up having an appointment down at Phoenix Children's Hospital today with his gastroenterologist.  What a weird feeling driving up to the hospital knowing I would only be there for an hour and yet having a wave of apprehension wash over.  Thankfully that apprehension left as soon as it came and we were able to play.  I never thought of hospitals as fun, I still don't, and yet Liam and I have a different kind of time at the hospital where we end up playing and laughing.  Today, I needed the laughter and the snuggles just a little more.

The gastrroenterologist sent in a referral for Liam to receive an evaluation to find out if he is eligible for an intensive feeding therapy program.  This is not the first time I have received the recommendation to check in with this program.  The program is 6 weeks in Phoenix with Liam receiving support around eating everyday.  I don't know all the details but the thought of driving to Phoenix, or having our family split for 6 weeks has deterred me from really searching out if this is something that would be beneficial.  I think I have been hoping that Liam would miraculously start eating on his own.  I guess we are being given another option, the option of getting Liam the most beneficial help he can have, and we are willing.

To help ease the day, Liam and I traveled to Jerome to meet up with my dad, sister, and niece for a few hours.  We played in the park, watching kids go down the slide, climb bars, and run around.  I knew I wanted to get Liam in the swings so when the swings were open I jumped on the chance to play.  Liam had so much fun!   He is quite enamored with his cousin Aria!  I am so grateful he has the chance to get to know his cousins and learn so much from them!  What a gift to have this little being just a year ago, receive heart surgery to present day, playing on a swing, laughing!  He is our miracle!!

Wonder...

Spring in Arizona has always been a wild ride, higher temperatures, sun, rain, snow, sleet, hail, wind, I never knew what to expect when someone would let me know 'Spring' had arrived.  This weekend was no exception.  I had a workshop to attend to keep my massage license current so we decided to head north for the weekend and have a little get away.  We left Prescott with dark clouds and a threat of rain, we arrived in Flagstaff with an inch of snow and more to follow.

When we awoke on Saturday there was more snow to fall, a breeze, and the sun was trying to peek through the clouds.  By Saturday night the clouds were sparse and the temperature had risen enough for us to take a walk at Sunset Crater National Monument.  Sunset Crater has always held a soft spot in my heart, there are fond memories of exploring as a school child, with family and friends, and more recently on a couple of meditation retreats.  I have always allowed for the magic of the land to take me on some mystical journey!

What has come to fruition is that with Liam, life is unfolding in that same magic.  We are getting experience the wind for the first time through Liam's senses.  Touching rocks and trees, sharing in the wonder he is experiencing.  I know I was taught that having children would be a most wonderful journey especially learning through their senses.  I guess this was a lesson I had to experience on my own!  WHAT A BLAST!

Just in the weekend, Liam has reached out to feel lava rock for the first time.  He is starting to realize that there are different textures for different pine needles.  He has different reactions to different things as if he is discerning what he likes or dislikes, what brings him pleasure or not.  Today he met his shadow for the first time!  We had so much fun meeting this 'being' and enjoying his delight as he explored his movements and the mirror movements of this 'being'.


We are having so much fun witnessing Liam explore his movement.  He is getting faster with his crawling and more bold with his willingness to let go for a second.  He is almost running with his little walker, and yet when he wants to get somewhere 'fast' he drops to all fours and charges head first.  He has found the stairs and loves to climb up to the second floor to play in his room.  We are working on getting back down, that isn't as much fun, since he would love to face where he is going.  I am so grateful we get to savor these moments of wonder with Liam and truly absorb the joy they bring.

 There is a story that my mom and I were hiking when I was maybe 4 and I kept stopping to show her a flower or a lizard.  She said that the sun was sinking behind the trees but I was oblivious, I was more interested in the little things.  Our adventures ran this way through adulthood, I would want to go slow and savor little things, and she had a fantastic agenda to fulfill.  When I was 15 we went to Yellowstone to visit my sister, Ashea.  I woke up in a sour mood from a nap and didn't really want to go on a hike but the family was headed out and I do enjoy being outdoors.  So being the defiant 15 year old I was (I still am defiant just not as cute!) I lagged behind and let the others disappear on their fast pace hike.  My present was getting to witness a sunset that is burned in my memory as one of my favorites!  I asked my family if they watched the sunset and no one got to see it, I guess the angle I watched from was the perfect angle.  I keep this story as my guide, am I moving at a pace that will let me savor the moments, catch the gifts, and keep the wonder in our lives?  As we learn more about Liam and his pace, I have a feeling he is a sunset gift, he has come at the perfect time, and is making life that much more memorable!