The Wind, and the refuge of the Earth...

“When we touch the Earth, we take refuge in it. We receive its solid and inclusive energy. The Earth embraces us and helps us transform our ignorance, suffering, and despair. Wherever we are, we can bow down to receive its energy of stability and fearlessness.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

I have been mulling over what to write about, I guess 'writer's block'.  What came today was this idea that sometimes I can get wrapped up in the Wind.  The Wind of the news, work, my thoughts, Liam's appointments, worry, etc.  I never knew how much the wind bothered me until I was running one evening and I felt so beaten, I couldn't place why this feeling of defeat permeated my whole being.  I had been running in the wind!  The wind seemed to suck the essence out of me, but why?  What I realized is that I braced myself against the wind, I would push back into the wind...umm, the wind wins!  I did some PSYCH-K balances, and now I allow for the wind to rush around me, I don't have to fight it anymore.  Today, I actually welcome the wind, there is a healing in the power of the wind, it blows stagnant air out, it spreads seeds, it helps birds migrate, electricity generated, there is a creative energy in the wind. 

Back to the Wind, if I am left to this whirl of information, appointments, thoughts, I again start to feel beaten up.  When I remember to take a moment and connect to the Earth I am reminded that even this Wind can be used for creativity.  There are people finding their voices, making signs, investigating what is of value to them, reaching out to their communities, defending their beliefs, all in this powerful Wind.  Even though I welcome the wind, I don't always feel comfortable, my hair gets whipped, my clothes get tugged, dirt gets in my eyes, so please don't get me wrong, I am not always comfortable in the creative energy of the wind.  To help soothe I connect with the Earth, I can soak in inclusion, stability, hope, and fearlessness.  The Earth is a lot older than I am and has many stories yet to share, as I lean into my parents' strength and experience I can lean into the Earth and the expansive, creative energy she holds.  I am grateful for the warm embrace that is ever present and just waiting to be experienced every time I leave my front door and touch the Earth!  

  

Into the healing...

I joke with people that when I came to Prescott, I came to help the people of Prescott heal.  What has happened the last 13 years has been that Prescott has healed me.
The healing that has happened here for me has been on all the different realms, physical, emotional, and spiritual.  The healers and teachers I have met and the healing modalities learned have been life changing.  The land around Prescott is soothing to my soul.  The community has given space to surrender has helped me to return to an intimate relationship with the Sacred.  When we found out that Liam would need extra support I knew that we would be okay because of all the experiences of healing that have taken place here.
I have learned to be patient with healing, something that may have been earlier 'healed' may present again.  This presentation isn't because that condition isn't healed, there may be a deeper healing that needs to take place.  This last week, I had this experience.  I met a man who does healing work and during the intake he asked, 'Have you ever been knocked unconscious?'  I love intake forms, there is so much information that can be gathered from them, and I also know that conversation can unearth even more!  Inevitably a person will forget a monumental event while filling out the form BUT in a conversation there will be an, 'Oh yeah! This one time...'
So, Oh yeah!  This one time when I was 5 I was at a Zuni festival and a bunch of kids were playing up on the pueblo roof, as I watched, my feet moved backwards and I walked backwards off the roof!  All I remember from my boots slipping off the roof is being carried back to the pueblo by one of the family members, I must have been knocked unconscious when I landed, thankfully on packed sand.  I didn't have any broken bones (though no x-rays were taken), I could breathe, walk, no bumps.  I do remember being uncomfortable riding back to our home but not much after that,  I was 'fine'.  I completely forget to put this on intake forms because it wasn't a car accident, I don't have any lasting scars, and I have been 'fine' since.

One of the first Bowenwork classes I took was in a Mind Body Bowen class, this work is geared to unravel trauma in the body.  While receiving from a practice buddy, I had this sensation of an air vent blowing cold air on my back from my tailbone to my head.  That part of my body was freezing, my partner put a blanket on me and I was still cold so we knew what was happening was an inside job.  Once again, this memory of walking off the roof came flooding back.
During this most recent healing session, I wanted so badly to go into a healing trance and surrender my body to the work.  I wanted to have healing visions and energetic unwindings.  What I received was being in my body, unwinding this seized memory, bringing life back into muscles that have kept me upright by shear determination and rigidity, feeling the pain of being hurt all those years back, the fear that the world is unsafe.  I have been running on a thought from a 5 year old, 'I would never be fully safe unless I knew exactly where I was, where I was going, and who was around me.'  Finally I received the message I was safe and would be safe, I could relax into life.  As I write this, I am ready to brush this experience off, this isn't that exciting, and yet, this is the most profound unwinding I have participated in.  I feel as if that 5 year old Becky finally knows that the world is safe, she can relax, she can return to wholeness.
The experience of walking off the roof, having my body react the way it did, the process I have lived since then has all helped me to support others.  In sessions, clients are approached from this place of seeking safety, wanting them to feel safe, making sure they can relax into their bodies, relax into whatever healing work we are participating in.  I feel that I can embrace this lesson and let my body heal.  In these moments, I get excited, this is what I want to do when I grow up!  This is what I do as a grown up!
Adding Liam to the mix of all of this has been such a joy and challenge as well.  I love being able to play with him with all the healing modalities and know that he is receiving all this support.  What is so hard is that we have had to hand him over to surgeons 3 times now, we have put him in situations to feel pain.  Last night we were changing the gauze around his G-tube and the tape had stuck to his belly, so pulling the tape off made him cry.  How can we teach our child not to hurt people if we are hurting him on a regular basis!?!  I do have faith that we will be able to teach him, and maybe, just maybe this is part of his training for what he wants to do when he grows up, just like the need for safety was part of my training.

Eating, Feeding, Nurturing... Oh my!

Getting Liam's body nurtured has been a challenge since birth, if not even before then.  When I went in at 35 weeks to have an ultrasound, the tech let me know he was about 5 pounds and was projected to be about 7 1/2 pounds, imagine my surprise when his weight was called out at birth, 5 lbs. 13 oz.  WHAT? Wait, what happened?
Then with him using up all his reserves and having the 'trauma' of his birth, he didn't have much energy to suckle and nurse.  The medical staff let us be for a moment and then they started shoving my nipple into his mouth as he whimpered and would pull back.  A nurse would grab my hand and push Liam's face deep into my breast, I wouldn't want to eat that way either!  The staff became concerned and wanted him to suck on a bottle, he would do the same thing, pull back and whimper.  So I am not surprised that this strong little being has decided eating isn't the most pleasant of activities!

When we got home we found a rhythm that worked for awhile, he would try to take in a certain amount of breast milk, then the rest would be formula and breast milk mixed in a bottle.  I was told how this wasn't the best idea, breast was best and I did try almost everything.  I couldn't find the right material to make a contraption to feed Liam with pumped milk through a tube taped to my breast.  Who knows, would that have helped?  One may never know.  I did pump until a month before Liam's first birthday, and I am proud if myself for persevering, proud of my body for pumping after not having Liam's stimulation for 6 months, and of my family for holding space for the process of 'feeding' Liam.
After Liam's first procedure he couldn't seem to latch on, he didn't have the energy anymore to even try like we had done months before.  We also found that he couldn't ingest more milk, he would tire quickly and so the doctors had us up the caloric level so that all he had to do was ingest 2 ounces at a time.  He was able to keep that up, and then the day came, he needed heart surgery, he was considered 'failure to survive'.

I had this fantasy when Liam woke up and took a few bottles that he would come back to nursing, to being able to take in the full amount he needed with out bulking up the formula to a higher calorie content.  He might even start eating soft foods.  But no, by the time we left the hospital he was refusing the bottle, he would eat only a little bit of soft foods, and he was giving the NG-tube, nasogastric tube, and we started the adventure of 'tube feeding'.  

I knew right away we needed support and so a speech therapist came to the house to help.  Her work with Liam was helpful, but he was still not interested in being fed orally.  I was informed that the tube down his throat could be irritating and maybe hindering his eating, I can only imagine the discomfort he endured.  I wasn't sure another surgery was the answer, so we all worked with Liam, coaxing him into taking a little bit of food, formula, water, something by mouth.  After 6 months, I realized things were getting worse and asked for an appointment with a surgeon.  In that time, I also was informed that a GI doctor could/should be helping us with this process and there was surprise that we didn't have a GI doctor so an appointment was made.  

Something that doesn't happen very often in our world, we had appointments back to back with the surgeon and GI doctor and we we needed to be in Phoenix all within 24 hours, what a treat to have only one trip and 3 goals met!  The doctors agreed that we needed to get the ng-tube out of Liam and for now a G-tube, gastrostomy tube, placement surgery was the best course of action.   On December 23rd we checked into the hospital and Liam went into surgery for the 3rd time since birth.  

He has a 'Mickey' button, and this seems to be working well.  We have more control of the balance between getting him hungry enough to eat but not so hungry he starts to withdrawal and get lethargic.  He still isn't sold on eating with his mouth BUT he is more interested and I imagine that has to do with his throat feeling better and his stomach not having something indigestible in it!  

With all of this feeding, eating, nurturing stuff, I have had the opportunity to challenge my own beliefs around food.  I have a feeling Liam may have picked up a trait from me, I would much rather have a tube and bag that fed me then trying to figure out what is best for my body and satisfying for my taste buds.  Food has never been a nurturing substance for me, I have eaten to stay alive, I haven't totally found the joy in eating.  When I was in Thailand I think I came the closest to really enjoying food.

So, now that I am working through my own nurturing 'baggage', my hope is that Liam can move beyond this limiting belief and find enjoyment, nurturing, health, and satisfaction in eating.  So far we are having progress and that is the best gift I can receive as a mother!

Home away from home...

There is a story that at 5 I declared when I grew up I was going to be a nurse.  A dear friend gave me her baby doll that had a hole in her knee and a red marker streak on her other knee, so I could 'nurse' this doll back to health.  I put a band aid on her knees, and would swaddle her to keep her warm.  I loved this doll and she became a reminder to reach for my dream of being a nurse all the way through high school.  Even in college, I was signed up as a pre-nursing student and met some amazing friends, learned valuable lessons, deepened my love for the body and how important the symbiotic relations are with microbes, our environment, and the different body systems.  When I was applying for nursing school, I missed a deadline due to not checking my mail, then applied and was a runner up to get into the program.  I decided to travel with my mom and not wait by the phone all summer for the acceptance call or not get the call and need to reapply in the fall.  I had a conversation with my roommate at the time, and what came of that conversation was that what I loved about nursing I wasn't going to get the chance to explore in hospital nursing.  I didn't want to spend time in a place full of people who didn't want to be there, working with people who didn't want to be there.  I wanted to help people stay out of the hospital!  So through a series of deductions, massage came up as a way to pay for naturopathic medical school.  As I did more research in the naturopathic medical world I decided that I wasn't sure about that avenue but massage stayed and I have had a career as a massage therapist for the last 14 years.   Sometimes I will get curious if I should go back to school for nursing and the feeling comes up of ugh, NO!

What is ironic is being Liam's mom, I get teased that I have an honorary nursing degree.  I have assisted a friend take staples out of my cesarean incision, monitored Liam's vitals, help take stitches out of Liam, monitored oxygen levels when he was on oxygen, many different kinds of wound care for him, NG tube placement, administered medications, worked with his doctors to trouble shoot symptoms, sat in on echo cardiograms, chest x-rays, swallow tests, sat in waiting areas for surgeries to be finished, and spent a few nights in the hospital.  I even consoled a mother taking a tour of the cardiac unit when Liam was still recovering from his heart surgery.  I guess my 'nursing' doll was  practice for being Liam's mom.  Today, Liam had a post operation appointment for his g-tube placement surgery, I was given one more honorary nursing duty, checking the fluid in the balloon keeping the G-tube 'button' in place.  Phoenix Children's Hospital has become a second home for our family.

Coming from our rough and traumatic hospital experience here and arriving at Phoenix Children's Hospital I finally felt safe...I felt that Liam was safe!  After a week of being in the hospital the medical team came into Liam's space to let us know that Liam could be discharged, our hearts soared, until the doctor told us he would be air transferred back to Prescott Valley until his platelets returned to a healthy level.  Our hearts immediately dropped and a sense of panic came over me, Liam couldn't come back to Prescott unless he was coming home, to us.  We voiced our concerns and looks were exchanged amongst the medical team.  A nurse came back to us after everyone had left and reassured us, Liam would stay at the Phoenix Children's Hospital until he could be discharged to our care.  The next morning Liam's platelets were at a healthy level and by mid-day we were discharged, we were able to come home, ALL of us, together, as a family.

When Liam had his first heart procedure, the doctors looked me in the eye, they talked to me when I asked questions.  Up here talking to doctors a lot of times I would ask the questions and Sean would get the answers.  This is comical because half the time Sean wasn't paying attention to the conversation, he was more interested in playing with Liam.  Now I receive phone calls from doctors, medical assistants, nurses all checking in on Liam, making sure we receive all the information we need about whatever event is coming up or I am given the results of whatever test might have been done.  I feel like I get to participate in Liam's healing, I am valued as his caregiver, his mother.  The medical team who helped Liam recover after his heart surgery were top notch!  Being in a hospital for a week straight, was not easy and yet, having such loving, attentive, educating nurses helped ease the discomfort of having our baby so vulnerable.

Being a parent of a patient at Phoenix Children's Hospital has been an empowering experience, I have learned how to advocate for Liam, to question and seek answers if I don't understand something or if something seems amiss, to learn the uncomfortable tasks of wound care, and how to take pride in the care we provide for Liam.  If a hospital is to be a second home, and I think that is our fate for now, we have 3 appointments this month, I am glad we are at such a great hospital.
AND I am grateful for massage and the other healing modalities I practice are so complimentary for Liam's healing.  The effects of the healing modalities done with Liam have been noticed and mentioned by the doctors, nurses, physical therapist, speech therapist, and medical assistants.  Even though I can't keep Liam out of the hospital I am proud that I can help support his body's healing, and help keep him healthy through all the hospital interactions.  I guess I get to participate in the best of both worlds, what a blessing!

This little light of mine...

This weekend Sean, Liam, and I went up to the Grand Canyon.  We knew we wanted to do something to help remember my mom and the place that just seems to be 'Mom' is the Grand Canyon.  She hiked the canyon more times than I can count.  She would go down to Indian Gardens, hike to Phantom Ranch, go Rim to Rim, and maybe down just a mile or two.  Sometimes she would hike with friends, Dad, us kids, and sometimes she would hike alone.  As we walked the South Rim Trail, I had this realization, she never was alone up there, she would make a 'friend' on the trail, on the rim, on the shuttle bus, in a lobby.  I don't remember a time when she didn't meet a 'friend'.  And sometimes this 'friend' would be a furry friend, scaled friend, or even a feather friend.  No matter what, I don't really ever think she was alone up at the Canyon.

We packed up the car mid-day after a morning of me teaching and headed North.  In Williams we needed a pit stop and decided a candle might be a nice gesture for whatever heart ceremony we were about to facilitate.  We stopped at the local grocery store and I went hunting for a candle.  A long time friend of the family recognized Liam and in that moment I realized that Liam and Mom are similar, they are known.  They love most everyone and most everyone loves them.  They make friends wherever they go.  Another long time friend hollered out and we were able to share a quick hug, a hug I didn't realize I needed until it was exchanged.  Though Williams will never be home again, there is a need that this tiny little town fills and all the people hold a special place in my heart.

We continued up to the Rim, arriving early evening.  The temperature was cold and the sky grey, but there was a familiar warmth that surrounded me and gave me strength.   The last time I was up at the Canyon with Mom was right after Christmas 2015.  She was getting weaker and almost didn't get out of the car.  I think Andrew and Dad coaxed her out into the wheelchair and we toured around the Mather Point Visitor Center.  When we got to the Village, there was something amiss with Mom.  She wasn't looking at the Canyon, this place she would get so giddy about, this view that she didn't capture on paper because no painting could share the depth of her love for this place.  And here she was, unable to walk the Rim trail, unable to even speak loud enough for us to hear sometimes, or make sense of the words she shared.   I guess I knew that Mom was not going to 'beat' cancer that day at the Canyon.  I just didn't realize that I would be saying goodbye in 2 short weeks.

Saturday we went back into the Park, back to Mather Point and this time we bundled Liam up and we walked the Rim trail. We found a place to let Mom's light shine once again on the Rim.  We were able to celebrate, to grieve,  and to honor Mom all while being at the rim of this glorious landscape that Arizona is known for, a landscape I think the whole family has a special relationship with.

There is something so unique when a person passes.  I had the honor of sitting with a friend in 2011 as she transitioned.  I got the call from a mutual friend, asking for me to come.  When I got to our friend, she was breathing irregularly and seemed anxious.  We were bodywork buddies so I went straight to work with Bowenwork moves that I imagined would help calm her system.  The moves worked, she was able to slow her breath and her body relaxed.  We called another friend to come, when she arrived the two of us would alternate doing Bowenwork moves and holding our friend's hand.  As our friend started to lose consciousness she asked for specific Bowenwork moves at specific times.  Finally she relaxed into her journey state, we continued to do Bowenwork here and there if she would get agitated again.  I went into a meditation state and started to sense the subtler needs, the unfinished business.  This friend had a son who was able to make the trip up to say good-bye and there was some healing that could be done.  I started to do PSYCH-K® with her and him, and with each balance, my friend seemed to relax a little more, journey just a little deeper.  And yet, she wasn't able to fully go.  By then, there were just 4 of us in the room, my friend, her son, the Bowenwork friend, and myself.  The Bowenwork friend was whispering to go to the light, to relax and let the light take her.  What I got in the meditation was different, what I got was this; my friend was at a closed door, the door was backlit.  She was already at the light, but she couldn't get the door opened, then it hit me, SHE was the key, she had to let go of her body to open the door.   In an unspoken way I shared that with my friend, I got the sense that she got it, her body was present but something shifted in the room, she was gone.  There wasn't any room for me to rest, it was 1:30am and I was to work in the morning, so I kissed my friend and took my leave.  I got home and at 2:15am got the news that she had passed at 1:43am.  Even now, 6 years later, I feel the magic in that night, and the connection I felt with my friend as she found her way.  Death doesn't scare me anymore, now there is magic, strength, and peace.

I am so grateful I had this experience before Mom's passing, because I wasn't able to be with her when she passed.  I had made the choice to come home get some affairs in order and then head back up until the time came to come back home.  As Liam and I were traveling to Williams, she took her last breaths.  I am so grateful she and I had mended anything that needed mending and she got to spend time cuddling and reading to Liam, because today, the sadness is just that I don't get to hug my mom.  I know I can talk to her, I have dreams about her, and she lives in the stories her loved ones share about her.  So as we leave the darkest part of the year, I am grateful there is a light in honor of my mom flickering on.  Thank you for sharing in the celebration of her life.

Liam Odin

So one of the reasons that my life has changed is Liam Odin came into this world and I get to be his mom.  Liam was born in September of 2015, so really my life has been a little wacky since 2014.  Liam is a complete joy to be around and has brought so much to my attention about so many different topics.  Here is a little insight into Liam's entry into this world.  
I was probably in labor for a while before I really realized I was in labor, but the tattle tale signs came the morning of September 13th.  I had enough mama stories and had read enough to know that there could be a wait before things really got interesting so Sean and I went to my favorite summertime Courthouse Square event, The Empty Bowl.  This event raises money for the Yavapai Food bank and combines two fun things for me, art and food.  The empty bowl is artwork, some functional, some not and then there is soup from multiple restaurants to fill the empty bowl.  Sean was a great sport and trusted that if I needed to go home I would let him know.  I was timing the contractions, they didn't feel to bad and I didn't want to miss this event, so I would go and walk when a contraction felt a little tighter.  
My mid-wife's assistant was in town and could meet me at the office to check out how I was doing.  She couldn't really get a clear indication so we all went our separate ways.  By the time I got home I knew I needed to just make sure I was well fed, well hydrated, and staying as present as possible.  About 7pm I knew things were shifting and called the mid-wife who suggested a hot bath and an early bedtime, I could do that, well, at least the bath.  By midnight the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and I knew it was time to call for help.  The mid-wife's assistant came in, and went to find Baby's heart beat, every contraction his heartbeat would drop severely.  Everything that I had hoped for changed.  I got a ride in an ambulance to the nearest hospital, dealt with the staff's fears and judgments about my choices, was made the butt of a couple of jokes, rushed into emergency cesarean, my husband was given a misdiagnosis of our child's mental health, but at the sound of this sweet child's cry, all of the anxiety melted away. Liam Odin arrived and was now blessing our family with his tiny little being.

As I was being stitched back together, Sean got the news that Liam had 'soft signs' for having Down Syndrome.  Both Sean and I were in shock and yet there was a sense that if Liam had Down Syndrome then we would play with that, there wasn't a fear of the news.  The fear was in the misdiagnosis from the surgeon pre-op, Sean was told that our child probably had brain damage.  
That news was harder to take because as Liam's little body struggled to recover from the birthing process and acclimate to our world, we struggled with the thought of letting him die being poked and prodded or take him home to die, where we could love him back to the Earth.  

Each time a doctor came in to tell us something else was 'wrong' we would drop deeper into this struggle.  I think the only thing keeping us in the hospital was that I had just had surgery and couldn't move!  That night Liam was taken out of the room to a higher level of care, a nurse came in and gave me strength.  She gave me purpose and she gently cheered me on, this was the first time since Liam was born that I felt so supported by someone at the hospital.  The nurse woke me up every three hours to pump and would spend about the same amount of time tapping the little bit of milk into a syringe for Liam as I did pumping to produce it and each time she would tell me those drops of gold were going to help him get stronger.  What a gift to give to a scared new mom!
The next morning the doctor and nurse practitioner came in to let us know that Liam's health had surpassed what the hospital could handle.  He would need to be helicoptered to Phoenix.  Sean and I again revisited the thought, were we prolonging the inevitable having Liam be poked and prodded to his death?  Would taking him home now and letting him die in our home peacefully be better?  Sean and I went into where Liam was resting, unsure if we were saying 'good-bye' or 'see you soon'.  I prayed to be guided as to what to do.  When I put my finger next to his hand, he grabbed it and I knew.  I knew this little being was going to be around awhile and sending him to Phoenix was the best thing we could do.  
Sending him to Phoenix WAS the BEST thing we did!  Liam does not have brain damage, he does have Trisomy 21, a form of Down Syndrome, he needed a lot of TLC that first week of his life and thank goodness he was in the perfect place for his healing.  A heart condition was discovered, which made a lot of sense to why his heart rate would drop each contraction, why he was so small, and some of the 'mysterious symptoms' he kept having in Prescott.  

In that first week, Sean and I were invited to delve into the depths of our beliefs and explore any resistance we came up against, the many fears we had, and the ultimate question- "Did we believe that there was some greater Source that could give us strength to get through each day in the hospital and for the rest of our lives?"  Thank goodness for family members, friends, and mentors who walked us through that first week, there was a lot of anger, sadness, fear, exhaustion, and uncertainty.   Sean and I joke that we were baptized by fire into parenthood.  If we have more children we know we can handle the curve balls and the mysteries!

A New Beginning...

Happy New Year!  Welcoming in 2017 is very much like waking from a dream that feels too real to be a dream but too surreal to be reality.  2016 was a year filled with opportunities for growth, grieving, change, joy, and journeying into an inner realm.

This time last year my mom was asking if she looked 'cancery'.  I had to tell her the truth, she did.  She consented to going to the hospital to find relief and 'get back on track'.  She passed away in her home on the 12th of January.  I miss her everyday and yet, because of what I believe, I feel her presence everyday.  I will have a thought that seems just a little too close to what she would say and HOW she would say it.  I will feel a warmth at the small of my back, almost as if a hand is placed there.  
My mom and I had a good relationship, we had healed some of the wounds teenage years left behind.  I felt as if I got to meet my mom as a woman rather than a child and she met me as a woman too.  We had some amazing travel adventures, to Europe, and all across the country.  

This blog isn't just about her though, this is about Life, this is about bumbling through all the different opportunities that present in life.  My hope is that this can be a place to share all the bounty of what each experience brings, a place to share little bits of what I am learning, experiencing, and grieving.  

Thank you for joining in the journey and may you recognize your story in mine.