Angel Baby

For some reason I have been thinking about our 'first' child.  Sean and I found out I was pregnant on a cross country trip to New Jersey for a family wedding.  Sean started to notice changes in my body and I was 'late'.  We were in the Smoky Mountains on a hike when I told Sean I would wait a couple of days before taking a test but I might be pregnant.  We laughed, danced, jumped, and celebrated that we were adding a new being to our family.   We happened to be in Ohio near where my maternal grandparents are buried, so we stopped and hunted for the headstones.  I told my grandparents we were going to have a baby, interestingly enough in that moment there wasn't a burst of joy, there was something else, something I couldn't put my finger on, almost sadness.  I pushed the feeling and thought away and we bid our farewell.  Back in the car we shared our news with both sets of grandparents, woohoo, what a new word for us!!

When we got back to Prescott I called a midwife and set up an appointment to start prenatal care.  The pregnancy was still so early on, there wasn't a heartbeat to hear, just some care suggestions to follow and another appointment was made for a 2 weeks later.  At the 10 week appointment we were to hear a heartbeat and start to really bond... we didn't get to hear the heartbeat, the midwife thought she heard a heartbeat and thought that maybe the way my uterus was tipped we would just have to wait to hear at the next appointment.  My intuition started to kick in, something wasn't adding up, something was 'wrong',  I just couldn't get a clear answer, or the answer I wanted, to be pregnant.  A few days later there was blood, just a little bit, and again the desire to be pregnant was so strong I felt as if there was a great will pressing to stay pregnant.  That night two awareness washed over me, first, I could worry about this little one from that moment until the day one of us would die, or I could have faith that whatever was to happen to this child, the child had a ring of guardians guiding, loving, comforting, and holding their heart.  The second, my concept of prayer changed, at first I prayed that I could keep this child, 'please, let me stay pregnant and keep this child'.  The prayer changed to 'please, give me strength to walk through whatever was in store with grace'.  I think my greatest fear was that I would be too frightened to get pregnant again.  That by losing this child and having to go through contractions, I would lose all my courage to be a mom.  I also was worried that Sean would be devastated and we wouldn't know what to do as a couple.

The next day I was returned to normalcy, I was pregnant, I hadn't miscarried, I could go on being excited.  3 days later I started the process of miscarrying.  I was at a function with all women and I felt completely alone, I hadn't shared with very many people so I couldn't seem to share about our impending loss.  Calling the mid-wife, she suggested I get in to have an ultrasound with the doctor as soon as possible which was 3 days away.  Sean stayed by my side and made sure to keep me well fed and hydrated.  One thing that our life is proving to us is that our relationship has a foundation that keeps deepening.  I fall further and further in love with Sean and we seem to meet each other where we are and move forward to meet what ever challenge, opportunity, adventure that awaits us.

Late at night the experience got to be too much to handle, so I woke Sean up to take me to the hospital.  When we arrived I realized I had made a huge mistake, but there was too much fear, blood, and unknown for us to handle on our own.  I was admitted and we spent the next 5 hours in the ER negotiating what the doctors and nurses wanted for me and what I wanted.  There was an IV inserted for fluids and potential medicine, an ultrasound to make sure all was okay, a pelvic exam, and a shot to help with the bleeding.  I felt battered and bruised, and mostly heart broken.  A dream didn't get to come into reality.  The bruise from the IV seemed to linger just a little longer to remind me of that night so I couldn't whisk the experience under some rug and forget.
I wanted to be a mom from a young age, well actually a grandma, but I soon realized I had to be a mom before I could be a grandma.  I didn't realize how excited I was to have the potential of being a mom and journey the road of parenthood.  That night we realized that we were ecstatic about being parents, our lives were ripe with anticipation for another being to join our family!
Thank goodness for family, friends, and healing.  When I went into the doctor for the followup ultra sound his first words were, "Wait 3 bleeds and try again, you will make an amazing Mom".  What sweet, sweet words to have spoken!  The ice started to melt from my heart and I knew I wasn't broken.  Sean and I could be parents, we would be parents.  This little being's journey was just a little shorter than either of us expected.

I think having this experience helped Sean and I so much more with Liam.  Maybe that was our first little being's gift, to prepare us for the wild adventure we have had with Liam.  As some of the research has hypothesized, the first born paves the path, the second learns from the first so maybe we are all learning from this little being who didn't get to take a breath.  One thing we learned for sure, we knew we wanted a child and  almost exactly a year after the miscarriage, Liam was born into the world.  I don't think that is a coincidence.
People who watch Liam and I interact are intrigued that he is our only child, I guess there is a nervousness that follows a first time mother.  Sitting on the floor feeling so unsure of what was about to happen, and praying to be guided, a trust was formed that whatever happened with our babies, we would be given the strength to walk through with grace.  I am forever grateful for our 'first' baby and the gift that little angel gave us!  And who knows, maybe someday Liam will be a big brother, I am still wrapping my head around that thought.