The translucent veil of life

Haha, so the truth comes out.  Having 2 children is A LOT more work than 1!  I haven't been able to get out of the rocking chair more than a few moments here and there between feeding Finn and cuddling Liam to sleep.  And with that rocking, I have not used my computer for more than business necessities... until now.  Tonight, the boys are asleep, Sean is asleep, and I am awake. I am caught up on the daily needs of the family and home with a little extra energy to put together our story.

Finn Rama McLoughlin arrived at 7:47pm on Tuesday, 1/16/2018.  He has a powerful birth story with a little bit of drama thrown in, like his brother.  I started to feel contractions about 12pm on the 16th, I had gone to a P.E.O. meeting and was trying to take notes but my mind was a little fuzzy.  As the meeting was wrapping up, I realized that I was having real contractions.  When I got home we started to time the contractions and got consistent times so called the midwife.  The house got busy about 2:30 with Liam's speech therapist doing therapy with Liam, the respite care provider coming on for her shift, and the midwife coming in to check me.  I was only about 3 centimeters dilated so the midwife left with instructions to call if there were any changes.  The speech therapist left quickly after the midwife came realizing I was trying to track their work in between contractions.  We made a plan with the respite care provider to care for Liam during labor and delivery and knowing that there was time between 3 and 10 centimeters we sent her to run any errands she may need before taking care of Liam.  About 3:30, a friend who we share vegetables with from the Whipstone Farm CSA came with our veggie share.  By that time, the contractions had started to get deeper and more frequent, I was needing to pause and couldn't find a good comfortable position.  Our friend and Sean talked me into calling the midwife back, even though she had just left.  By the time she got back about 5pm and checked me, I was 5 centimeters dilated.

It was show time, the rest of the time is one big blurry dance, I know internally what I was working with but have no recollection of time or what was happening in the house.  My world had shrunk to Sean supporting me in any of the many positions I took, connecting with Finn, connecting with my own breath, and connecting to the Mama Energy.  I don't think I understood the depth of the Mama Energy until I was connecting.  I don't know what else to call this deep well of support I felt.  I felt my mom, my grandmothers, the many women who have become mothers, and Mother Earth in this Energy.  I do remember asking for strength, for support, and sharing how frightened I was in this space and each time I would reach in, I would feel supported, loved, and encouraged.  Of course, the midwives and Sean were huge in keeping me comfortable and each of them encouraged me in just the right way.

When my water broke, something shifted.  Finn wasn't responding well to the pressure put on him.  He was having a slow return with his heart rate as I would push.  Once again the ambulance was called.  I was asked to get into a position where my head was low and my butt high, this would help take some pressure off Finn and maybe slow the urges to push.  I have had to take some time to allow the humor to come through for the rest of the story.  In the moment there can be so much fear and concern, after some time the silly pieces come out and joy can seep in to form a great story.  I have lost what little modesty I had that night for when the firemen and paramedics came, they found me on the bed with my head down and my blue moon high in the sky!  Thank goodness they are all professional!  Our home does not have the greatest set up for a gurney so I was asked if I could walk to the gurney outside.  This is when it dawned on me, I was going to be riding in an ambulance with my backside high all the way to the hospital!  I needed a sheet, any sheet.  So off I went with 6 adults and our unborn child in the back of an ambulance with a red sheet 'hiding' my bare backside.  At the hospital with vacuum assistance and 2 pushes, Finn arrived healthy, weighing 9 pounds 2 oz, and measuring 21 3/4 inches long.  He had the cord wrapped around his neck hence the distress during pushes.  Everything happened so fast Sean wasn't brought in from the prep area so he missed Finn's entrance but he was right there to greet and soothe Finn as the nurses were checking him out.  One of the first things we got to experience with Finn is that he coos.  He has been cooing since the first time Sean held him.  When he was in the bassinet next to my hospital bed, he would be asleep cooing.  We call it his song, he has continued to sing since he has come home too.

I have been taught that if I trust, there is a rhyme and reason for things happening as they do.  This situation was no different.  The placenta was not releasing and so the doctor had to do a procedure to get the placenta out.  If we were at home for Finn and the placenta didn't release, we would have been in the same situation but Finn would have been on the outside needing to be transported and I would have been even more dazed.  The way the events happened, he was safe inside me, and we had the support we needed when we needed it.

While I was in the thick of my own experience there were so many wonderful people and events happening around.  Sean had called the respite care provider to come back early.  When things were getting intense for us in the bedroom, she took Liam for a drive to get him to sleep and get him fed.  Thank goodness they were gone when the paramedics were called.  Liam was able to sleep at home and be well taken care of over night.  The next day he had friends come love on him so he didn't have a huge chance to miss Sean and me.  He received big brother gifts including a treasure chest of costume items.  The friend who brought the veggies, she decided to stay in case we needed anything.  She practices energy/healing modalities and so I was able to ask for her help while in labor.  She happened to park down at the bottom of the hill and was the transport vehicle for one of the midwives and Sean since their vehicles were blocked in by the midwife who was monitoring me to the hospital.  I am forever grateful to each of these friends who bless our lives in so many ways.  We are so blessed!

Since Finn was born in the middle of flu season Liam had to wait to meet Finn until we got home.  The first thing Liam did was give Finn a kiss on the head.  We have had a few grabs at the arms, face, and legs and a nibble on a toe since, of course Finn shared his dismay.  The nibble of a toe was while the three of us were home alone cuddled on a chair, we learned how to do a group soothe in that moment.  We have shared with Liam to be nice to his baby brother because though Finn is younger he will be bigger than Liam in a short amount of time.  For the most part Liam shares kisses with Finn and seems to be concerned when Finn cries.  One of the greatest gifts for Liam has been that everybody has come to see him.  As friends and family have come to meet Finn, they have made sure to interact with Liam first and to ask Liam how he is.  Liam and I have even found ways to have cuddle time while Finn is asleep or being held by Sean or another friend.  I still have moments of mourning knowing that I my role as a mother of two has changed, and I also relish in the knowledge that Love has grown exponentially in our home!

With that Love, something really special is happening.  Liam is starting to be more interested in food on a consistent basis.  He still isn't taking in all that he needs to sustain himself so he still needs the feeding tube BUT the curiosity is brewing.  Sean has a theory that with all the feeding/eating happening around Finn maybe Liam is getting curious.  Plus, the great friends we have who took care of Liam while I was in the hospital fed him blue berries and black beans which he really enjoys!  Tonight he surprised us by taking bites of a slice of pizza!  The funny thing about this is that the pediatrician we go to had a story about his own son not eating and then one day taking a bite out of another family's pizza.  I am continuing to work with the insurance company and DDD to get Liam into the intensive feeding therapy.  Liam's eating gives me even more hope that he can transition to oral feeds completely.

In the internal journey of labor, I felt the presence of my mom and called out to her a few times.  The few days after Finn was born, I would catch a glimpse of my mom's hands feeding me, patting Finn, or stroking Liam's cheek.  Someone asked if I missed my mom, of course I do!  There are times I feel as though I miss her more now than I did 6 months ago.  I wish I could ask her about bringing Andrew home and how did she manage having us both? Or celebrating all of her beautiful grandchildren.  And yet, the reassurance I felt while in labor reminds me how close she really is, so I share with her all that I would if she were sitting next to me.  I may not get to hug her but I can feel her hug me and for now that can be enough.